The Meg

Godzilla and Jaws meet. They like each other. They go out on dates. Jaws discovers that Godzilla is trans. Her new name is Goddesszilla. Jaws says, "Is everything OK down there?" Goddesszilla says, "Why don't you check it out, honey?" Jaws does and a year and a half later they have a monster and call it Megalodon, Meg for short. They hide it away in the darkest, deepest centre of the ocean while Jaws swims away to feed off holidaymakers in New England and Goddesszilla attacks New York to prove that being trans doesn't mean going girly on the scary stuff. They don't come back.

This is the story of what happens when Meg breaks out of its confinement in the solitary depths and discovers Homo Dryface - more than one, it seems - in a tiddly widdly submersible. Meg feels unloved and abandoned and wants to hurt something as an act of psychopathic rage against its parents. The result is a special effects water slaughter of tsunami style horror.

Well, maybe that's going a bit far. Let's say it makes Bondi Beach during the shark mating season look like a rubber duck convention on Janey and Jasper's bath night.

Despite the involvement of Sandy Same Old, a regular hanger in the boring basket who can't tell a story without repetition, the film does what it's paid to do with the help - considerable in this case - of Lock, Stock's favourite son, Jason Statham, who was home schooled in acting and has come through with flying colours. He plays an underwater rescue expert with a dodgy rep for leaving people behind who is hired by an international team of divers on a scientific mission when Meg starts playing keepy-up with their submersible.

Sadly neither Steven Spielberg nor Roland Emmerich are directing the ebb and flow which means CGI shocks don't shiver your timbers because you've been here, seen that, and what's left is betting on who's next for Meg's brekky.

Will the sweet little girl who has accompanied Mummy on the trip and become Jason's best pal be swept overboard by the force of a storm and end up between Meg's mammoth jaws? Will the cute little doggy belonging to a pampered millionairess from a posh yacht that went swimming by mistake be treated as pre-cocktails nibbles by the uncouth creature from the black wherever? Will Meg make the memory of its dead parents proud? Can JS save the world?

You know the answers.