The Sweetest Thing

There have been enough lads-getting-laid movies to put you off sex for life. Now the girls are at it and it's even worse.

The predatory female is a scary beast. Guys haven't a chance. Better to take cover, or watch Happy Gilmore for the umpteenth time. One thing these ladies aren't is romantic. They talk about their bits and go pee-pee in weird places and cavort like rejects from Fame and sing songs about penises and think commitment sucks. They eat ice cream from humungus tubs when feeling unloved and act like babies in an emotional crisis. They call each other "you guys", which is fitting, since they behave in such a laddish fashion, they might as well be blokes.

The movie is an excuse for Christina (Cameron Diaz) to demonstrate her comedic skills and show what a sexy dancer she is. The jokes are like cold sick and the dancing has a snaky desperation about it. Her buddy, Court (Christina Applegate), wears bitch-on-heat suits and has an energy that ignites discretion. Their flat mate, Jane (Selma Blair), has been dumped by her boyfriend and mopes like a moppet on the sofa with a ton of ice cream until the others drag her to a club, where she meets a spiky-haired hospital entertainer, who has his tongue down her throat before you can say, American Pie 2.

There is no story that goes deeper than a soundbite. Christina meets Peter (Thomas Jane) in the club. He's blond and boyish in a safe, suburban, charm-a-go-go, grooveless way. He knows he's good looking and so doesn't try, which makes him boring, although Christina doesn't notice because she's too busy having daydreams about oral sex.

"Don't go looking for Mr Right," she tells Jane. "Look for Mr Right Now."

When hooked on her perfect imaginary lover, she acts like an idiot and behaves with the subtlety of a moose in spasm. For naked embarrassment, she takes some beating. Court comes close.

Girls behaving badly are not a pretty sight. The intellectual level begins below the bikini line and the laugh-out-loud count registers nil points on the Reckless Scale.

Diaz hams it up, emphasising her letterbox smile. Applegate clowns like someone who doesn't understand the rules of charades. Blair has one toe-curling moment, which no actress should be asked to do, while the rest of the time blends into the bedroom.

If the battle of the sexes is over and these girls have won, it's time to take up long-distance ballooning.