The Lovers' Guide - Sex Play

Stripping the plain wrapper from The Lovers' Guide's latest How To Stop Feeling Embarrassed And Learn To Love Your Bits instructional video, it is worth considering the distance travelled between The Kinsey Report and 21st century masterbatory techniques.

There was a time, not so long ago, when boys in short trousers were warned that if they persisted with "that thing you do", their eyes would fall out. Sex Play attempts to put a stop to that nonsense by demonstrating the positive aspects of spanking the monkey.

A well dressed lady doctor of something entirely respectable introduces the subject of (gasp!) mutual pleasure in an area, once off limits to Doris Day fans, involving hands, non-penetrative rumpy and deep throats.

Is this educational? Almost certainly. Anyone over the age of 43 can avert their eyes, while others, scrambling through the undergrowth of ignorance, will learn loads. Is it arousing? Don't be ridiculous. That's like asking whether algebra is easy.

The blokes lie on their backs and pretend to be asleep, while their partners play with Stiffy. Later, when it's their turn, they perform tongue massage with the enthusiasm of force-fed hunger strikers. The ladies, it must be said, are infinitely more enthusiastic. No shy girls, here.

The question is, are they better at faking it, or is that a Big O I see before me? The guys go through the motions strictly according to the manual, while the gals have smiles on their faces.

The producers are at pains to be as clinical as possible, in order to avoid accusations of encouraging lewd behavior amongst consenting adults. As a result, the film is thin on laughs.

There is a section, entitled Sex With Toys, which introduces the vibrator as a far superior earth-moving device than these sleepy fellas.

Is this the message? Throw away Jack; switch on Josephine.