The Fog

Where did all the real horror films go? Too often these days we're subjected to tame crap, designed to scare 12-year-old girls only. How much more rubbish, like Darkness Falls, The Skeleton Key and The Grudge, do we have to suffer? Where are the risktakers and the controversy? Are we really that naive these days that trash like The Fog gets green-lit before a script is even written? There is no need for this remake. Sony makes so much money off its frequently awful Revolution/Screen Gems films that the budget could have gone to something worthwhile. Of all the films to remake, The Fog is a strange choice.

John Carpenter didn't even like the original. He called it one of the lowest points of his career - this is the man who's last film was Ghosts Of Mars - and he had to insert more "spookiness" at the last minute because it was so boring. This remake doesn't even have that much sense.

I know I'm wasting my time here, but if you want a rundown of the plot, it sort of goes like this; a small town in the Pacific northwest comes under siege from a gang of zombie ghosts from the sea who hide in a menacing fog. And that is it! But it takes so goddamn long to even get to this simple-minded idea I had honestly grown a beard by the time anything the slightest bit interesting began to happen.

Tom Welling, or stock hunk hero, is about as wooden as a Trojan horse and he wanders, almost comatose, from scene to scene acting only as an observer to the dull horror on show. Selma Blair, looking prettier with long hair, snores her way through a thankless role and Welling's generic blonde girlfriend suffers inexplicable flashbacks to 100 years ago as a way of explaining what's going on. So there's your cast of characters. Not one of them is worth the slightest bit of attention.

The script revels in cliches and clumsiness. Characters are killed one by one and none of them survive to warn the others. A dead guy comes back to life for no reason and scares Ms Generic Blonde. But obviously no one is there to see it happening and don't believe her stories until it's too late. Ooh, there are ghosts after me! I had better run for it! But the car won't start! Something's wrong with the ignition!

The computer-generated fog isn't scary in the slightest. Director Rupert Wainwright tries to fill in the blanks with loud sound effects, but is hopeless at pulling off any perfectly timed scares, or wringing any kind of sense out of the story. And composer Graeme Revell once again delivers an utterly generic horror score, identical to the last 20 he cranked out without the slightest bit of inspiration.

Don't get me wrong, I like silly horror films. But they have to be imaginative and full of life. The Fog plods along clueless and only seems intent on boring the audience to death. There is not one drop of blood in the entire 100 minutes.

Oh, man. This film is so bad, it's not even inspiring me to creatively bash it.