Son Of The Mask

I remember seeing the trailer for this film in December 2003 before Return Of The King started. Obviously the cinema was full and you've never heard such sounds of misery, as 500 people groaned in disgust at the Son Of The Mask trailer. If you suffered it, you know what I'm talking about. If not, I won't torture you with details. New Line planned a summer 2004 release, but decided to wait a while so the memory of THAT trailer could fade.

So now, in the cold, bleak days of February, this embarrassment is finally disposed of in the wasteland of a single-week multiplex release, which is still undeserved, as I've seen direct-to-video movies better than this.

The saddest thing is that the film actually starts out quite well. Jamie Kennedy plays Tim Avery, an aspiring cartoonist looking for a big break. He lives in a wonderfully colourful, eccentric house in the suburbs of Fringe city with his wife and faithful dog Otis (it was Milo in the first).

One day, Otis brings home a strange looking mask he found in the river and Tim wears it to his studio's Halloween party. In a flash, The Mask is back. Though the green faced Jamie Kennedy looks more like an ill Conan O'Brien than a mischievous superhero.

When it comes to physical comedy, he is no Jim Carrey, though he gives it his best shot. Tim ends up being the hit of the party and promptly spins home to his wife for a little green faced shagging. Nine months later a baby is born.

From this point, the film plummets. It plummets into uncharted depths of shittiness. And when you think it can't get any worse, it does. And then it gets even worse than that. And worse and worse yet. You have never seen a film nosedive as badly as Son Of The Mask.

Obviously the baby is half-mental, as he is born of The Mask. So how do you train a baby to do stunts? You can't. You use CGI instead, right? Well...the CGI baby effects in Son Of The Mask are absolutely appalling. You will NEVER see effects worse than this. The computer geeks behind this horror should be blacklisted and never employed again.

The baby's idea of fun involves farting and peeing everywhere. Christ Almighty, is that supposed to be funny? A crap subplot, involving Loki (Alan Cumming) searching for the mask, drags out this painfully unhumorous sewage even longer. If he doesn't get the mask back, his dad - some Norse god, or whatever - will banish him to the realms of Earth, etc. I won't even bother explaining the story. It's a garish, incoherent, disjointed load of childish senselessness that even condescends to a five-year-old.

This movie had potential. If they played up the animation angle and made literal and ironic references, it could have been clever. If they focused entirely on Jamie Kennedy, as The Mask, it might even have been funny. No such luck, as he only gets to wear the bloody thing twice and only for about five minutes each time. The Mask spends most of the time buried in the back garden and the awful, awful - insert 1000 awfuls here - baby takes over the entire movie.

Chucking your balls in a blender is less painful than this. You don't treat your kids to this movie, you punish them to it.

Please, for the love of all that is good and pure, stay away from Son Of The Mask. They should have aborted the bastard.