Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus

If you are a fan of Asylum films, this one, despite its lack of Eighties pop star presence, will not disappoint. It has pretty much all you could ask for: two really big monsters (which inexplicably change size from time to time); D-list celebrities; military hardware; explosions; nukes; the destruction of cities; a scantily clad (but tough) heroine and even a volcano. Boxer and sometime model Gary Stretch is the cheapskate Indiana Jones rip-off hero sparring with TV actor Jaleel White over who gets to be the alpha male whilst the monsters wreak havoc. Sarah Lieving is a sultry Man In Black and Robert Picardo adds a little weight to proceedings - enough to stop the whole thing blowing away - even if he does come across as a poor man's Michael Ironside.

If you don't like bad movies, needless to say, you should stay well away.

The plot here is simple as it was before. The fishy star of Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus has, despite Tiffany's best efforts, survived to threaten shipping once more. The entire US military (I'm not kidding) has been dispatched to take it down. Meanwhile, in the Congo, a giant prehistoric crocodile has been inadvertently awoken by miners. Our rough-shaven hero successfully hunts it down but whilst it is on board ship being transported (it's never clear why the small boat is taking it all the way to America), the shark turns up and the crocodile gets away. As the latter is ready to lay eggs - thousands of 'em - the stage is set for a frantic hunt across the world's oceans. Before the film is out we will see hordes of smaller crocodiles attacking the beaches of Florida, we'll find out how to fight a shark using a power station (if only physics really worked like that), and we will witness the complete destruction of Panama.

And that's about it. The story doesn't make a lot of sense and the effects are shaky in the extreme. You'll need to use your imagination, but in the right mood, you'll find this lots of fun. The action never lets up for a second and the writers succeed in topping their own OTT ideas again and again. One can only assume that the inevitable sequel will be In Space.

Not exactly nutritious, but worth a bite.