Honeymooner

If anyone has any doubts that boys are babies and girls foxes, check out Honeymooner. Actually, don’t. Seldom, if ever, has such a lame script reached the screen. At a time when Brit producers are nervous about the new coalition government’s attitude towards subsidising the film industry, make sure that no one within a cocktail party of the decision makers sees this movie.

Fran (Gerard Kearns) is a bloke, who is not, because he says so, gay. Phew! Instead, he’s a whiney hetero, whose fiancée dumped him at the altar, or rather the reg office, days before the knot was tied. As a result, he mopes around, downing anti-depressants and being chivvied along by his mates, Ben (Chris Coghill) and Jon (Al Weaver), who have their own problems with women.

Basically, guys don’t like commitment. When girlfriends become demanding, they bed a 17-year-old (Ben), or chat up alternatives in bars (Jon). Fran does neither because he’s too shy (wet). Do we care? Ab-so-flippin’-not!

The most exciting thing that happens is when Ben’s girl kisses Fran in a taxi when she pissed and the most embarrassing when a fortysomething Polish lady from upstairs comes onto Fran after she's been dumped.

The script is as flat as last night’s cider. The acting is see-through. The plot is punctured from the start.

“Are you always this boring?” a girl asks Fran.

Yes.