Echelon The Secret Power

There is barely five minutes worth of things to say in this seemingly never-ending twaddle. My God in heaven, it was unbearable. The point of such unforgivable dreck is this; a secret organisation called Echelon - it probably means something, but is lost on this reptile - monitors all phone calls in the world indiscriminately and reads every e-mail sent. Um, I had this problem when I was a teenager. It was called Mum.

Of course, it's all made up, but shot in a mockumentary style, offering potential for cynicism and acidic observant humour, with a sharp social commentary. But there's none of that here, pal. It's narrated in French, but all of the spoken dialogue is in English. Um, why exactly?

The guy responsible for this unbearable torture is David Korn-Brzoza who has no point to make, other than my one-sentence description. I don't think he even knew what the hell he was doing, since it stinks of confusion and muddled ideas. And since it's made up, he could have invented dozens of interesting and paranoid stories - hell, even if it was true, these would still exist - that might entertain us and make us consider the scary possibilities. No such luck. It's just an endless, repetitive bore that will make you dive for the nearest painkiller. Sandpaper masturbation is less irritating.

In fact, I shouldn't even call it that. The only time it comes close to being a film is when it unashamedly nicks clips of Jerry Goldsmith's score from Patton and Air Force One.

Channel 5 would refuse this!