Eating Miss Campbell

In terms of the attention they generate, school shootings are one of the US’ most successful cultural endeavours. Would one not expect people to try to make money off them?

If you find this question upsetting, Eating Miss Campbell will not be for you. It carries the Lloyd Kaufmann seal of approval, branded by Troma, and the assumption is that viewers will know what they are going to get. In case they don’t, no time is wasted in explaining it to them, as the fourth wall may as well be entirely absent here. Heroine Beth (Lyndsey Craine, who directly acknowledges the tradition of thirtyish actresses playing high school kids) opens by talking about her inability to choose the genre of the film in which she appears. She’d like to be in a romantic comedy, but instead she always finds herself in horror, and she’d be better off just killing herself so she doesn’t have to deal with the rest of it.

Beth’s mother is dead; her father (James Hamer-Morton) is dating Frankie (Charlie Bond), who’s not much older that she is. Come to think of it, he’s not much older than she is, but not to worry. She has bigger problems: she’s constantly in trouble at Hennenlotter High just because of her habit of biting off bits of other pupils who intrude on her space. She’s a favourite target for lead bully Clarissa (Emily Haigh), who openly expresses a desire to to run the school like Nazi Germany, and she’s being slimed at by Ethan (Alexander J Skinner), whom she introduces to viewers as the school’s resident date rapist. Ethan is also sleeping with school secretary Miss Deetz (Dani Thompson), a generously proportioned dominatrix, who is in a relationship with bizarrely bearded new American headmaster Mr Sawyer (Vito Trigo).

The bulk of the plot focuses on an eating competition organised by Mr Sawyer, the winner of whom will get the chance to choose between suicide and shooting up the whole school (though it’s not quite clear why permission is needed for either). Beth, however, is seriously distracted by the arrival of new English teacher Miss Campbell (Lala Barlow). This makes some sense – Miss Barlow lectures on Alfred Packer – but also no sense – no self-respecting goth would get involved with somebody who wears mustard and orange. Her desire appears to be reciprocated, however, and a mutual interest emerges when Miss Campbell chows down on part of a waitress in front of her. Before long, their scandalous affair is the talk of the town – but not everything is what it seems.

There are the bones of a good story here, but somewhere en route to the screen, most of the meat has been nibbled away. Having fun with the shock factor is fair enough – there’s no shortage of Epstein and Weinstein jokes – but without internal consistency or adherence to its own rules, the film falls apart. Its heavy use of Heathers references just serves as a reminder of where it’s falling short, and they’re likely to mean nothing to younger viewers anyway, any more than what it takes from Point Break. It badly needs some ideas of its own.

Although it has its moments, Eating Miss Campbell is sadly a misfire from the Troma canon. It has gore, semi-nudity, enthusiastic costuming and a cheerfully obnoxious spirit, but it lacks a real sense of itself so that none of that engages as it should. Next to the classics of the brand, it’s sadly lacking in flavour.