Dante's Cove: Season Three

Billed as Melrose Place meets Dark Shadows, this is more a case of gay porn meets Home And Away via Raoul from the Irn-Bru ads.

"You kill... with sex?"

"Not at all, he'll be fine in a few minutes."

That's a typical piece of dialogue, in what seems to be a sex club but is, in the paradise island village of Dante's Cove, a way to borrow power. For the Cove, and particularly the Hotel Dante, is infested with witches and warlocks. Gorgeous young witches and warlocks. Gorgeous ancient witches and warlocks. When they aren't having sex to steal magic, they're having sex for the sake of it. If five minutes pass in this show and you haven't seen two perfect bodies, writhing in a Jacuzzi, you've... actually, that scenario's never going to happen.

The real power in the town of Dante's Cove is cheese, infesting every piece of dialogue and every moment of 'acting'. And if you're in the mood for campy smut, it's a pretty decent cheese.

The season - actually just five episodes aired on US gay channel Here! - sees immortal sorceress Grace return from banishment (she plunges to Earth like a comet) with revenge on her mind. Meanwhile, Ambrosius, who annoyed Grace back in the 19th century/Season One by buggering a servant on the eve of her wedding and found himself zapped into old manhood, is trying to keep sex slave Kevin from returning to old squeeze Toby. The scriptwriters make various attempts to use magic addiction as metaphor for sex and drugs, but really, the show can be summed up as Zap Shag Exposition Shag Zap Ow-ow-ow! Shag. All in all, Dante's Cock - sorry, Cove - adds up to a couple of hours of guilty pleasure.

Holding the show together is the magnificent Tracy Scoggins as Grace, veteran of Dynasty, Lois & Clark, Babylon 5 and pretty much any US show you care to name. She may look like your average Hollywood vixen but she knows how play this stuff - seriously enough that she's not taking the piss out of any viewers who actually are watching for the storyline. She carries the weight of the drama, emoting about the threat posed by something called the House of Shadows (likely a new make-up line), and leaving the younger folk to play with the baby oil.

The rest of the thesps on display - William Gregory Lee as Ambrosius, Charlie David as Toby and Gregory Michael as Kevin - are fine, never rising above the level of daytime soaps, but writhing, grunting and grimacing as required. It's mainly gay sex - often full-frontal and full on - but there is a bit of 'girl on girl action' and some token straight sex (tut).

If you find Charmed a tad tame, Dante's Cove may be to your tastes; certainly, on its own terms, the show will suck you in - just watch it doesn't steal your power...