Angel Eyes

You know, there's nearly always a moment in the music videos of Jennifer Lopez, when she shouts "STOP!" or "WHAT!?" or "WAIT!!" and then the music stops and she's joined by several oiled men and she gets a chance to show us all what a fabulous dancer she is.

How I wish there were such a moment in Angel Eyes, which is without a doubt one of the most boring films I've ever not slept through.

Perhaps it's my own fault for being suckered by the previews which show Jennifer being stalked by James Caviezel and her loading a gun. I mean, I was expecting a thriller here. Sadly, although J-Lo plays a cop, this is one of those awful films about Confronting Issues.

Basically, James Caviezel is one of those Mysterious Loner types who goes around following J-Lo until he gets the chance to save her life. The two of them start a romance, which is understandable in that she's grateful, yet incomprehensible in that he's one of those inarticulate moody types whose manner suggests a possible "Heads in The Fridge" scenario if you ask me.

J-Lo doesn't seem to mind, even when she finds bizarre things in his drawers (ooh, no, stop that sniggering at the back, missus!). And she's supposed to be a cop too!

Perhaps she's just grateful that he doesn't go around shooting at people in nightclubs and bribing cops with her engagement ring, just like P. Diddy doesn't do either, honest your honour.

Anyway, the mystery of James' eccentric behavior is eventually revealed in a plot twist that was blindingly obvious half an hour earlier. Meanwhile, Jennifer gets the chance to Achieve Closure with her parents by delivering one of the most risible bits of dialogue in the film.

In short you should avoid this film - I suspect that in the plot there may have originally been a half-decent tv movie but... STOP!

(Symon is joined by half a dozen oily men, and delivers a blistering dance routine in which he moonwalks, grabs his crotch, spins on his back with his legs in the air, and develops a hernia.)

So there you have it. Angel Eyes: almost as painful as a hernia.