A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures

Independent filmmaker and former rock musician Chris Waitt realises that all his relationships with girls have ended badly. So he sets out to interview all the girls who ever dumped him to find out why, in the hope that he can turn his life around and at the same time make a film about it.

Hopelessly optimistic, Chris rings a succession of exes, who reply with apathy, anger or downright incredulity, reminding him of his chronic lateness, self absorption and delusion. When he tries making visits he gets an even more definite 'No'. One even sends him a solicitor’s letter with threats should he ever try to make contact again.

On his mother’s advice, he looks up two girlfriends from his distant past. One does actually have some good memories, but then it turns out that he was only 11 years old at the time.

Having reached a complete dead end in Sheffield, he makes his way to Glasgow, only to have more doors slammed in his face. One very attractive ex does agree to talk, and that’s when we learn that Chris has another problem, one which possibly only Viagra can solve.

There’s a wonderfully funny scene in the centre of Glasgow where Chris seeks advice from a couple of guys in the street. They are very sympathetic and do their best, but soon volunteers start to appear from all sides. The advice ranges from the sweetly romantic “When you’re with somebody you love you can make it last,” to the more practical “Maybe you’re gay,” “Take Viagra,” “Take her up the arse”.

Now Chris goes on a mission to sort out his erectile dysfunction. This includes exercise, hypnotherapy, acupuncture and a visit to a dominatrix. ( Men of a nervous disposition or with a low pain threshold may wish to look away now.) When the blue pills arrive in the post Chris takes rather too many at once and panics at the result. Instead of taking the obvious way out, he goes out and asks passers-by to have sex with him, eventually getting arrested.

Chris has described the whole process of making this film as “extremely painful and humiliating”. It’s certainly brave, honest (up to a point) and sufficiently engaging to make you want a happy ending for him. On the other hand, it’s obvious from the start why he has been dumped so many times. He’s just the sort of charming slacker who needs a really good shake.

Despite many hilarious scenes, the film feels rather too long and loses pace somewhat in the last twenty minutes. The optimistic ending is unconvincing. But I really want to believe Chris when he says since making the film “I have fully recovered and am so much better. I really am.”