3 Degrees Colder

It's crud like this that gives foreign language films a bad reputation with the average moviegoer. I hated every intolerable minute of it and giving you a synopsis of the non-existent plot is only going to inflame me again but I'm bound to my word to review it.

Jan (a man more chin than head) pisses off from his dingy German town for no given reason, leaving all his friends behind. They look for him but give up the chase when they come to the conclusion that he must be dead or something. Five years later he comes back for no reason to see how they've all changed. And that's your lot, mate! Nothing else happens.

They try to inject melodrama by having Jan turn up at awkward, strange moments to confront his former pals, but it feels quite contrived. The dialogue is almost entirely pointless. Nothing of any importance is said by any character and the only lines they manage to utter seem like stock samples that are only in there to prevent it from being a silent film. Well it ain't much of a goddamn 'talkie'.

The dialogue is usually of the following quality:

"Come with me." "My fags are out on the balcony."

"I'm so glad you're back." "That railroad is three degrees colder."

What??? Did I just walk into an alternate universe where bullshit makes sense?

There are far too many characters introduced at once and none of them really look all that different so you'll lose track really easily, especially since none of them say or do anything other than look perpetually depressed.

The only good thing I can mention about this truly rotten film is the skillful, if bleak, widescreen photography that briefly captures some moments of atmosphere that the film could really have used more of to prevent it from being the borefest that it is. It's too damn metaphysical and requires the audience to really read into the silences rather than listen to the conversation. I can do that, but not in a pretentious pile of crap such as this.

None of the women were really that attractive either but I was so bored that I was praying for some kind of nude scene.

The appearance of the end credits was similar to that feeling after taking a really big dump. You feel hollow, dirty and worn-out, but at least it's over now!